What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Is LGBTQ destroying the world?

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Especially a lifetime of it.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

How does one succeed in life?

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Have you ever accidentally found out that you were about to be fired?

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

What misfortune led to an important discovery?

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Was to survive, this bastard.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Why is my coworker suddenly being so mean towards then being nice like nothing happened? She is nice with everyone but me.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

My mum and dad in the seventies!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

What seemingly minor decision or moment in your past ended up having a massive impact on your entire life trajectory?

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Do you think the constitution and laws should be taught in school?

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Is depression a cause for always feeling tired?

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Why would a person always be so tired?

Who then, do I blame.?

Im dying but, im not bitter.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

So I’m getting piano lessons and my teacher wants me to get an upright piano instead of a keyboard. An upright piano is way above my price range, so what do I do? And what’s the difference between an upright piano and a keyboard?

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

(And it was in our own minds.)

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

She married twice! .

The only rule us 5 kids had .

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

All the time i was locked up.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

When she asked me how she looked .

I think the readers, may guess!

I couldn’t, believe it.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Put me off passion for life!!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I don,t even have a pension.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

My life is so biszare .

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I have no regrets .

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I said to her

My family never makes their pension either.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I had hoped to write a book about this .

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I was seconnd youngest,

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

He resisted the act ,that day.

She loved him until the end.

She was in good health!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

We were not on the streets..

One cannot live in the past .

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Would this be the day?

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

But, we were locked up after school.

So, i spoilt her more .

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

And i lived it daily.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I was 9 years of age.

But it wasn’t much.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I was scared of men, in general

I was very sick at this time too.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I never cut or harmed myself..

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

We all went to grammer schools

They are buried together, in the same grave..

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

She found it foreign!.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I waited trembling.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

It was going to be , some day.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

This is soul school!.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Comes on , in middle age.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I will be 64.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

As i do to all so called friends.?

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

He knew the spot.

Im still living with it.

I could never make a relationship work though!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

She wouldn,t have been !

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Why did i forgive my father ?

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

So whats the point in blame.

Ive learnt so much.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I write beautiful poetry .

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

What did i know ?

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.